


On The Road and Off It

by Feneris



Category: Gravity Falls, Transcendence AU - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence, Chruch Looting, Gen, Glendale, Road Trips, Strange Places, The Circle of the Dreamers' Star, more to come - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-08-24 06:09:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8360383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feneris/pseuds/Feneris
Summary: David and Sarah had a long history of road trips together. One of their favorite hobbies was picking, going through the backwoods of the world trying to find interesting old junk that people had tucked away in their sheds and attics. The thing was, they had never once gone on a picking trip together without something happening. They had nearly been devoured by demons, murdered by the mafia, drowned, immolated, lost, found, involved in government conspiracies, and stuck on the side of the road fighting off rabid badgers. It didn't help that The Transcendence had made it a lot easier to accidentally drive off the beaten path, without once leaving the highway.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So this is basically going to be a collection of stories of some of the things that have happened to David and Sarah on their many road trips through North America. I've got two more chapters planned, but who knows if I will get them done before November. Hope you like them and enjoy.

The landscape was spectacular. Open fields, interspersed by the occasional farmhouse or barn, set to the backdrop of forest covered mountains and snow-capped peaks.

“Well,” David said, slouching down in the passenger seat. “We sure the hell aren’t in Kansas anymore.”

“Oh shut up Dorothy,” Sarah snapped back. “We’re going in the right direction at least.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t change the fact we don’t even know what state we are in.” David countered. “I’m thinking Nebraska. There’s mountains in Nebraska right?”

Sarah didn’t bother to respond to that. “Well, we haven’t been driving that long. We can’t be far.”

“Not necessarily,” David countered. “We went through that patch of time mist back there, so how knows how long we were actually driving for. We could be halfway to Portland right now.” 

“What does the GPS say?” 

David cocked an eyebrow at her. “It stopped working the moment you got behind the wheel. Like always.”

“You find more interesting places off the highway anyway,” Sarah retorted. “Besides, it’s not like we’re in any hurry to get home.”

“True, true,” David agreed. “You don’t exactly find- CHURCH SALE, LEFT, DEAD AHEAD!” 

Sarah cranked on the steering wheel. Tires squealed, and a curving trail of black rubber was burned into the road as the car swung around to make the sudden turn-off, nearly taking out the small cardboard sign advertising the church sale. 

“Well,” Sarah said, pointing to painted metal sign on the side of the road. “Glendale. Does that narrow it down any?”

“Nope,” David replied, glancing down at his phone. “Thirty-four Glendales in America, five in Canada, three in Australia, one in New Zealand and another one in Britain.” 

“Well, hopefully there’s something good at the church sale at least.”

\---

Glendale was the very picture of nostalgic Americana, right down to the white picket-fences. Which David and Sarah had found usually meant that the town concealed some huge dark secret. Either that or it was inhabited by nostalgic conservatives. (Which was generally worse in their opinion.) Still, at least the way to the church sale was well marked, and Sarah had no problems following the roads. 

However, when they got to the run-down looking church, there wasn’t the usual tents and tables loaded with random stuff that usually accompanied such an event.

“Well,” David remarked as Sarah pulled into the parking lot. “This is the part where the townsfolk spring their ambush on us.” 

They waited for it. Nothing happened. David glanced at Sarah, she gave a shrug. Carefully, they got out of their car, waiting and tense for the other shoe to drop. Nothing. No angry mob sprang out of the shrubbery, nor did a ravenous monster with a large mouth filled with fangs. 

“Hello?” Sarah called out hesitantly. “Is this where the church sale is happening?”

The door opened, and a young man in a black robe with gold edging stuck his head out. “Yup, this is the place. Come on in!” 

David turned to Sarah. “Trap?”

“Only one way to find out,” Sarah shrugged, and followed the young man up the steps to the church. With his own shrug, David followed. 

Inside, there was still a lack of tables filled with stuff to buy. “So…” Sarah drawled out. “What’s the deal here?”

“Everything’s for sale,” the young man replied. “Everything from the roof-shingles to the floor-boards. Except the stained-glass windows, they’re reserved. Aside from that, if you can take it away, we’ll sell it. I’m Mathews by the way, I’m in charge of the sale here.”

“You’re selling the church?” Sarah asked in disbelief. “That’s… not what I was expecting. Why?”

“No one’s using it,” Mathews replied. “There’s only five people in this town that still go to church, and they all go to the Christian Reform church in Springfield. Long story short, there was some talk about making this place historic, or turning it into a community hall, but then we found the purple mold in the beams.” He shrugged. “Nothing you can do about that except to tear the place down and rebuild it from the ground up.” 

Sarah nodded in understanding. “True enough. No getting rid of that once you’ve got it in the beams.”

“What I want to know,” David interjected. “Is why a follower of the Circle is selling a church?” He pointedly gestured to the golden star pinned to the man’s shirt.

“Ah, well, I’m actually here as a member of the town council.” Mathew explained. “Again, long story short, this building is technically the property of the Glendale Parish Church. All five of them. The land was leased from the town, but the church and all its contents is still the congregation’s collective property. Since they’re not using it, the town cut a deal with them. In short, we agreed to sell everything for them and split the proceeds fifty-fifty. The money is basically going to build a new events hall here.” He laughed. “The basement of the temple can get a little crowded, and it’s simply   
not practical to host every large event outdoors.”

“Is the Circle here very large?” David asked.

Mathews shrugged. “Pretty much everyone here has been a member since I was a kid.”

“Ever…” The light went on in David’s mind. “This is that Glendale eh?”

“You saw the documentary, then…” Mathews replied hesitantly. 

“Not this latest one,” David replied. “No, I’m familiar with the Circle in Gravity Falls. I like to stay on Alcor’s good side. You’re quite famous you know.”

“Not really in the good way,” Mathews admitted. “Most folks who visit her tend to move like they expect to be ambushed by crazed cultists at any moment.” 

“In my experience,” Sarah added. “Towns this nice tend to have some kind of dark murderous secret. At least yours is not murderous nor a secret.” 

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Mathews replied. “Anyway, back on track. Do you want me to show you around? Is there something in particular you’re looking for?”

“Is there a basement here?” Sarah asked. “I always like to start at the bottom and work up.” 

\---

The basement was crowded and dusty. As Mathews explained, no one had set foot down there in nearly eighty years. David and Sarah merely got out their flashlights and began to systematically comb through the junk. 

In an hour they had discovered several boxes full of mouse-chewed bibles, over five dozen folding chairs and a dozen collapsible tables. They also found a stash of empty whiskey bottles, the desiccated remains of at least sixty mice, nearly a kilo of scattered mouse droppings, enough dust and spider webs to choke a dragon, and what looked to be the remains of some long-abandoned hide-out. However, one box contained some of the church’s old ceremonial items. Which included several brass incense burners, two elaborate candlesticks, an ornate silver chalice, and a silver aspergillum in a matching basin. 

“Just listen to it,” David said, closing his eyes to focus on the sound. Simultaneously forgetting that he was the only one who could hear it. “There’s energy from those objects, the very best kind. These will be like pure toxin to Necalitz when he comes after us again.” 

That box was hauled up the stairs, along with a carnival popcorn maker that looked like it had barely been used, and a large inflatable bouncy castle. The latter of which played a huge part in their April Fools day plans for Isa, in revenge for what she did to them last year. As they stood there, brushing the dust off their clothes, they noticed that several people had come in while they were rooting through the basement. 

There was one man in a raincoat, scuffing his shoes on the floor and knocking on the walls, another young couple who were eying the crucifix above the alter, and an ancient old man who was wearing a black and gold robe like Mathews. 

“You know,” he was saying to Mathews. “In all the years I’ve lived here, this is the first time I’ve actually set foot in this church.” 

As they passed by with their loot, David suddenly stopped in front of the old man. “Alcor the Dreambender?” he asked cautiously.

Kiel flushed red and held up his hands in awkward protest. “What? No! Not at all! Why does everyone…”

“Sorry,” David held up his hands. “I must have been hearing things. You sound a lot like him.”

“He’s got the sight in his ears instead of his eyes,” Sarah explained, putting down the box in her arms.

“Well,” Mathews replied. “He does bear the favor of our Lord. I know people with The Sight claim it appears as a mark on his throat.” 

“Ah, that might explain it,” David replied sheepishly. “Sorry about that. I’m David Keeler by the way, and this is Sarah Pines.”

“Kiel Power,” the old man answered, holding out his hand.

“He’s been the leader of the Circle here since I was a kid,” Mathews added.

Kiel snorted. “You do most of the leading here nowadays,” he said pointedly. “All I do is read out the sermons.” 

Sarah’s eyebrows went up. “The same Kiel Power who brought the Circle to Glendale over a hundred years ago? It’s amazing you’re still alive. I wrote a term paper about you! A comparison of historic conversion narratives with modern historical events.” 

Kiel flushed. “I really didn’t do anything. It was all chance that things worked out the way they did.”

Mathews snorted. “You only remade the entire faith from the ground up. From what you’ve told me, the Circle was just a bunch of college students meeting between lectures before you moved here. Heck, you literally performed the first wedding in our history.” 

Kiel opened his mouth to protest, but Sarah cut him off. “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. But we’ve got more things we’re looking to buy.” She turned to Mathews. “How much are you charging for those pews?”

\---

Both David and Sarah could admit they might have gone a bit overboard at the church. While they could think of several people back at Gravity Falls who could use a church pew, they weren’t really sure what they were going to do with two dozen of them. The church bell was a bitch to get down from the belfry, requiring six guys to carry it out of the church and put it in the back of their car. They also didn’t really need a pulpit or three wooden crosses. But, on the other hand, they went through candles at a prestigious rate, and that baptismal font would make a perfect birdbath. 

Several people had helpfully asked if they needed to rent a truck to get all their stuff home. Sarah thanked them for the offer, but assured them she was confident they could fit everything inside the car. 

A crowd had gathered to watch in disbelief as David effortlessly slid pew number fourteen into the back of the car. The major problem they had found with enchanting the car to hold all the junk they brought back from these trips was in making sure the space-warping enchantments didn’t interfere with the other enchantments that were keeping the car together. They could have probably fit a mammoth into the trunk of their car if they were prepared to deal with the smell. They had already contained Necalitz back there once. (Right before David had sprayed a garden-hose worth of holy water inside.) It had grown significantly by the time David had finished loading up the other ten pews, the church bell, pulpit, baptismal font, five boxes of candles, the popcorn maker, the box of sacred objects, and the bouncy castle. 

An applause broke out as David slammed the trunk shut with an air of finality. “Alright!” he called out. “Start ‘er up now!” 

Sarah, sitting in the driver’s seat, turned the key. Witnesses would later describe the sounds that came out of that car as something akin to a draft horse dying of tuberculosis. “Come on, come on!” Sarah muttered as she cranked on the key. A dull boom sounded from underneath the hood, followed by the sound of breaking glass. “PIECE OF SHIT CAR!” Sarah roared.

Cursing a blue-streak, she grabbed a tire-iron from the car door, climbed out of the car, and delivered a blow to the hood that made everyone wince. Still swearing, she turned the key again. “Start you piece of shit, start!” 

Nothing, not even a whimper. Sarah swore again, and slammed her fist down on the dashboard.

“Acting up again?” David asked, moving around to the front of the car. “Stupid rustbucket. Alright, lets give this thing a jump. See if that does it.” 

He placed both hands on the hood, while Sarah placed both hands on the dash.

“Via versa necromica!”

The crowd jumped back in alarm as the car lit up with a sickly green light. The engine roared to life with an eldritch howl that made the hair on everyone’s arms stand up. 

“Alright, let’s roll,” Sarah called out as David climbed back into the passenger seat. They pulled out of the church parking lot and were on their way once again. David was even discussing a plan to attach a small bell tower to their garden shed, and enchant the bell so that it could be used as part of their defensive wards. Something about enchanting it to inflict existential despair.


End file.
